Thoughts

The moment I think I have an understanding of who I am, is the moment I realize I have yet to even scratch the surface to the depths of my own being. I've been scared to truly know myself, because of the facts I find when I do. The many hats we wear on a daily basis ( worker, family member, friend, church goer etc...) can have the ability to give a description of me, but also could just be a role that I feel I have to play. And a lot of times, it's not a very good one. You know how some Actors are better at some roles than others? Kinda like that. Just because I put a Train Engineer's hat on does not allow me to even begin to know what a Train Engineer's duties are. So I have a quest... ("What... Is your quest?" Monty Python: the Holy Grail) my quest can be summed up as such: how to be the truest of true to oneself. There it is... The quest-ion of the day. How is it possible to ask such a question? Doesn't everybody live true to their nature and honestly accept who they are? I think not. What I think, is we as a general Human nature are subjected to various issues in life; some we have control of, some we do not. So this shapes our character during each trial. Pass or fail, each test is simply that: how well did you do with it, & did you learn something? I dig a ditch. Ditches need to be dug for various reasons, so digging a ditch is not bad. Can it be done? Sure. Would I like to do it for free daily? No. Would being paid to do it daily be better? Yes, but now we see the "diggers conundrum ". Somewhere between the need for the ditch to be dug, & the lifestyle of being a ditch digger I find the tug-of-war struggle. I have found myself in the ditch and wondered if I'll ever dig my way out of it of doing that (metaphorically speaking). There has to be a change. Mentally, I'm soaring in Creative Land in freedom, but physically I have my hands gripped tightly to the wooden-splintered handle of the earth moving device. So I shovel... And I pick... And scoop... And throw... All the while wishing that I was flying on the thermals of musical bliss and creating timeless things that could possibly change the world, or at least those in it. The Digger's Conundrum is my plague , for I have the fear of victory, & the honor of defeat. "There I stand... Shovel in hand... Wishing away these grains of sand... Hoping to find, the peace of mind... From each scoop I throw, a step to behold... And the courage to rise a bit higher."